I listened to her pour out her heart and I was highly perturbed. This beautiful, very intelligent woman was blaming herself for something that was not in her control. The monologue from Nyambura as she poured out her heart, amidst tears, went something like this:
“Imagine he did it. I had a sneaky feeling that he was up to something, and I finally put a finger on it; he had been with another woman. I could tell something was wrong, but how was I ever going to ask him what he’d been up to?! I needed to rely on something other than good ol’ intuition for me to support any statements I might make.
"You see, he came home late one night, and everything about him told me something had happened that night. His smile was sheepish all evening, and he resisted my advances; his favorite meal, which was to be a pre-cursor to our romp that night, did not set his appetite off as it normally does. I’d gone all out that night, and whipped cream and strawberries in chocolate were one of the options he would have for dessert, both on and off the plate. He looked like he was trying hard to disguise his discomfort, pretending that everything was fine. The thing is he makes for a bad liar, so his body language was betraying him. Our usual evening banter felt syncopated. Come to think of it, it had been for a while; I just charged it to both our tiredness. Obviously that was not it!
“My heart forgot its function for a split second when I found a condom in his suit pocket; why would he carry one around when he was not with me? Besides, we almost always preferred it natural, so that was a red light right there. Was I overreacting? I confronted him about it, and he ‘fessed up. He’d been with someone else, and he says it had happened all too fast and he was sorry. The shock! I doubt he’s been at this fling of his only once, much as he says it’s only been once. Who does such things once!? Had he done it once!? Was that why he was nervous, unable to hide his grand sin? Maybe if he’d done this more than once he’d not have a hard time hiding his misdeeds and acting all sheepish!? No, maybe his “once” has become a synonym for “countless”. The nerve of the bastard! What am I to do, to think, to say?!
“Why would he do this?! He says he loves me, and I don’t doubt that he does. I never have, and there’s never been reason to doubt his love. Maybe it’s my fault?! He’d been suggesting we get frisky and do things differently, but it took my reserved self some time to mentally embrace his ideas. Tonight was the night I was going to try out something other than the bland old missionary style. It’s not a boring style by the way; it has rave reviews when tweaked, and I sincerely thought he loved it. I had even modified things a bit, clearly not enough for him! Whipped body crème was on tonight’s menu and I had toyed with the idea of an erotic massage with the vanilla kissable massage oil I had purchased.
“So much for all that jazz that I was planning! I’m the reason he strayed. I must be the reason he strayed into the arms of another woman. Maybe I should work on me; I’ll get those naughty items he’s been asking about. I’ll cut my weight and be as svelte as this African frame can allow. I’ll ditch my sleep wear and work it with a whole new set of lingerie and inners. I need my man back! I can’t let him stray. I also need to …..”
Ok fine, the monologue above is conjured in my creative mind, but it’s not too far from the circumstances surrounding many a woman’s life. We think we need to do something to keep our men from eyeing that other woman and taking things a notch higher with her. We look inwardly when they stray, asking ourselves what role we played in their carnal mischief, and seeking to put things right by “working on ourselves”. How can a woman advise another to “do what she can to avoid him from getting it somewhere else”? That’s preposterous, the thought of controlling a man’s decisions! Straying is a CHOICE; it is not happenstance. A man might justify why he cheats, citing “global” trends in saying Zuma’s polygamy is worse than his one night stand, or by saying that the patriarchs in the Bible had multiple wives, up to 700 for good old King Solomon; the excuses are endless and the comparisons made to make cheating look acceptable innumerable, but cheating is just not justifiable.
A recent discussion I was in with a group of ladies resulted in the following comments about what the women would do if their men cheated on them or the reasons the men do it in the first place:
“What I’m trying to say is pray you have a good man. Do what you have to do so that he stops getting it somewhere.”
“Right on. Let’s not bury our heads in the sand. What we should ask ourselves is why our men cheat on us.”
“Pack and go and never look back. Unfortunately most women find reasons why their men cheat on them and always blame themselves. Never blame you; just pack up and go”
“A grown ass man will not justify his cheating as his character thread is firm and the resulting fabric well woven. As women we should stop excusing men in saying that they are prone to promiscuity. And if you have another woman’s man, grow up and style up; pack up and leave him!”
My opinion is, a woman giving it to her man real good so that he doesn't get it elsewhere will not stop him from being with another woman. If he wanted to sort things out with his woman and not get sexually satisfied elsewhere (drinking from another man’s fountain, the Bible puts it), he'd talk to his woman and let her know what the problem is and they’d sort things out and take their relationship to the desired level. A man who cheats is FULLY AWARE of what he's doing. He DECIDES to go ahead and do it, all the while blaming his eyes for not having pazia and the other woman for dressing seductively. Or whatever other reason that men give, which I find totally flimsy. It’s like his pants uncontrollably come unzipped and he is not to blame for the resulting actions. Tsk! A man who loves his woman will DECIDE not to cheat on her, regardless of the issues they are facing, no matter how tempting things get.
As for women’s reactions, it’s pointless to blame the other woman or call her and insult her with expletives banned in hell. Inasmuch as it takes two to tango, a man creates that second person that that other woman needs to tango with when he goes out cheating, so much as a woman’s beef can be with woman numero deux for getting it on with her man, particularly when # 2 knows he's taken (say married), nothing the aggrieved woman does will ever change the morality (or lack thereof) of that other woman. So even if I ask myself why my man cheated on me and I come up with the list of reasons, bottom line is, he decided to do it and only he can “un-decide” and change his ways.
Say what? Men are wired differently and have a natural penchant to cheat? Really?! As in as natural as humans having a propensity to fall off a roof when they go against gravity? Hmm.. I think the One who put those very wires in place tends to think it’s doable, this whole thing of abstaining from sexual activity until the Sex Green Light is turned on, or of staying faithful to one’s spouse regardless of the ebbs and flows of the relationship. I know; it's easier said than done. I so know that. I'm not profferring solutions; I'm as human as you are and I face my issues to. But let's stay faithful, shall we?
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